Divorce and Remarriage

We all know that divorce is pretty hard, but have we ever thought about how difficult remarriage would be? I know I hadn't until this past week in my Family Relations class. Often people imagine that if the first marriage didn't work out it probably wasn't "true love". In reality "true love" doesn't really exist with out a lot of work, but often when individuals remarry and have children they hope it will be a different experience. Many people who decide to remarry don't realize the emotional toll it can take on children who have to adjust to having a new parent in the home. The adjusting it will take to bring a new member in the family and how it can be very devastating on a marriage relationship. Each individual brings a lot of "baggage" to another marriage.  This doesn't mean that it can't work out though. It takes a lot of time, patience, long-suffering, and love in order to make anything work. In a new marriage though these are things will have to become necessary. Cooperating and building each other up as a couple will also reinforce the potential for success. And even taking time to build relationships with children and being patient can create great relationships. It just is important to remember that marriage in general is very difficult, but having a remarriage can be more difficult, but it definitely isn't impossible and there is a lot of hope in deciding that working towards the same goal in a relationship will really benefit and help a family becoming successful! It just takes time and love.

Parenting

Parenting is one of the greatest and most difficult things we can do on this earth, but it is one of the most building and strengthening experiences we can do in this life time.
Many people don't really understand parenting and just assume that when they get to it, they'll know what to do. This is not the case however, and even though I've learned so much about good parenting and how to learn skills that will really benefit a future family, I won't ever be perfect at it.
As future parents I believe the best way to be the best parents we possibly can is to study good parenting styles and begin applying them right now. Through this we can learn that the best way to parent is with love, to focus on the positive aspects of a child's behavior instead of the negative, to recognize that children need to be respected, to be consistent with discipline, to let your children choose discipline, and to really act as a parent. There are so many important things that we don't really focus on when we become parents, but if we are practicing some of the principles now we will become better parents than if we just jump into thinking that we are going to be the best.

Fathers & Finances

In a world where the father is being increasingly pushed out of the home, now is the time more than ever to recognize how important it is to have a father in the home. Studies have shown that Father's help children develop better, are more likely to avoid drugs or other harmful substances or actions and can really teach the importance of hard work. Father's in the home teach the difference between gender roles and help influence the family in positive ways.
I've really enjoyed learning about the importance of having a Father in a family. Studies have also shown that having a father in the family helps children to be more financial stable and take the time to get an education. Everything about having a Father is great.
I know for me that my father taught me how to play basketball and other sports. As well, as teaching me the importance of money and hard work. There are just so many things that Father's have a food influence over, just by being part of a family.

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

So... communicating... it's pretty important.  Why is it then that we struggle to spend meaningful time communicating, especially with those that it's most important with?  Like our spouses, our parents, and those we date. If there was ever something that we should invest time into to help strengthen our relationships it should be through communicating.  I personally have struggled with communicating effectively in some of my dating relationships and even in my current relationship.  Luckily the kind boy that I'm currently courting has been very patient with me.  Even from the very beginning of our relationship back in May he has pushed me to communicate better, with great difficulty on my part.  I didn't even realize that I struggled with communicating my feelings until I started dating this boy.  We always had fun together and he was very kind, and each date we went on I left happy and excited for the next date.  He too was having fun but he has the need for a deeper emotional connection through communication.  As he put it, "Our conversations had no depth."   After a number of dates and spending time with one another he announced his impatience with my not opening up and said that he had no further intentions of calling upon me.  I opened up that night and we have a very enjoyable conversation about family and life and it felt good to open up and share with someone how I really felt about those things.  A few dates later I shut down again and had a hard time opening up, but after a little prying on his part I was able to open up and share how I felt again.  I've gotten much better since that time and although I still struggle at times in sharing how I feeling about things he is very patient and I love connecting with him emotionally through conversation.  It has helped me understand the importance of good communication even more.  Elder Neal A. Maxwell put my feelings into words pretty effectively,
“Thus one of the biggest blocks to Christian communication is that we are so afraid of being misunderstood. So, when in doubt, we withhold. Yet Paul said to speak the truth in love; we can then take the chance. We worry (and understandably so) that some communications will only produce more distance. But silence is very risky, too. . . Usually, when we do not know somebody, it is difficult for us to trust them, and this becomes a restraint upon communication and growth. Opening the windows of the soul helps us to build healthy relationships. But if those windows are always closed or the blinds are drawn, it is difficult to help;
one simply does not know what is needed” (All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, 81–82).
We don't always agree on things but when we both approach the conversation humbly and seeking to understand rather than to be understood we both leave at peace and thankful for the chance to grow closer together.

The Family Under Stress

"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those day when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death-- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."
                                                                     -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
None of us are void from experiencing crisis. It happens to all of us and in our families it can effect many lives if not treated correctly. Crisis is an event in which we either make a choice to move forward or create other problems that can have more serious outcomes. These moments are the times that can help us progress or digress if we let them and some of the choices can have serious affects for years if perspectives and resources are not used to utilize the positive outcomes even in a negative situation.
There are many types of stressors and outcomes for those stressors, but no matter what we encounter we have the ability to not be acted upon, but to act. It is always our choice whether we want to make the best out of a situation. We have our agency and even though some situations bring a lot of stress the way we deal with it now, can influence generations later.

The Importance of Intimacy in Family Life

Intimacy between a married man and a woman is a very private and sacred act. It is something that should be kept sacred and is often times most don't know very much about it at all. They understand little bits and pieces, but most have not really focused on how sacred it is but that it is "bad" and needs to be completely avoided until marriage.
This view really hinders and creates a barrier for understanding how sacred and important and essential intimacy is. Intimacy is designed to help bring children into the world, it also creates a bonding experience between man and wife that is eternal. It needs to be discussed with respect and needs to also be something that is toyed with. It is an incredible responsibility that deserves to be treated with sacredness.
Intimacy is such an important part to a marriage. But, it can't be the only thing a marriage is about. If the physical is the only thing that a marriage is about, it won't last. But if it integrated in everything else it becomes a beautiful thing. As we've been studying and learning more about this sacred topic my teacher, Brother William's taught us something very important. As newlyweds often that appetite for intimacy becomes very strong to the point that it isn't enjoyable. But, if intimacy is handled differently in that setting and when the focus isn't so much on individual appetites, but pleasing your spouse than it creates a much longer lasting relationship. Intimacy doesn't have to be the main focus of a marriage but it does need to be an integral part. And went treated correctly and when used in a way that isn't selfish it can be a powerful tool in strengthing marital relationships.

Transitions in Marriage

There are many things in marriage that we don't ultimately understand or will even know until we're in the situation. But either way, every newly wed couple with have to go through and cope with transitions in marriage. There will be new things and quirks that will become aparent. The whole idea of this though is to understand that some transitions are good and necessary, but some bad transitions can be bad as well.
Not only are there odd transitions for newly wed couples, but there are also transitions when the first child enters the family. Studies have shown that having a baby drops the satisfaction of marriage and family down until it all of a sudden boosts back up when the couple becomes "empty nesters". This is definitely what studies show. But as I've been learning in my Family Relations class, this does not need to happen. One of the ways to prevent this horrible transition from happening is to really create a loving relationship between you and your spouse even before the baby comes. By really working together and striving to lift and be there for each other will help prepare for when a first child comes. Another way to prepare is by including the father in the prenatal stuff, check-ups and delivery stages of birth. These are such vital times in building relationships and helping that transition become so much smoother. It is always good to let the husband share his opinion on the clothes and to go to check-ups so that he feels included in the babies coming. All of these little tips will really help keep satisfaction in the home even when baby arrives. Another important tip is to keep in mind that everybody needs to be told that they are appreciated. This will really help build relationships and help shoulder burdens when there are struggles.
Transitions can be difficult, but being prepared can help transitions in marriage and family move much more smoothly.

Marriage: An eternal Perspective

Marriage is something that most everyone looks forward to. Most often they imagine how their life will be with the big fancy house, picture perfect family, and everything is perfect. It is a legitimate "happily ever after". Then you focus on real life and realize that Marriage and love isn't anything like the movies. Sometimes it's boring, hard, time consuming, and so many other things, but it also can be a huge blessing, happiness, a huge learning experience, and whole bunch of fun when used and understood in the right context.
Marriage takes work, but not only does it take work in a marriage but even before. There are three keys to having a successful marriage.
1. Dating (courting)
This is such a vital part to creating a happy marriage. It gives you opportunities to see what kind of people you are attracted to and helps you have fun in a formal, respectful setting. Dating is essential to understanding if you can have a happy life with someone for eternity. It is sort of a "trial and error" period of your life where you can recognize characterisitcs and learn about things you would want for your "happily ever after". A word of caution though, dating is not the same thing as hanging out, and it will not bring the same enjoyment in a future marriage if all you did was hang out when you could have been dating.
2. You need to have an engagement. This is a time where you have decided that you can spend your life and eternity with a person. It is a time for immense growth and you are both working together and making large decisions. This step can bring you closer together as you work with each other, trade opinions, and spend time thinking of the other person. Also a word of advice. You're about to decide a future together, you don't need to spend ample amounts of money on a wedding when you could be using much of that money for a future life together.
3. The third step, marriage. Through these steps it can help you gain a better understanding of your spouse and help you to worry more about the other persons needs. You can learn a great deal from dating, and even becoming engaged. It will affectively help your life in marriage become ever more successful when you take the time to get to know and learn about your spouse in an appropriate way. It can help increase the relationship with you and your spouse so that when you do have hard times in marriage you can work together, and stay together.
Through these steps it may not always be a "happily ever after" but it can be better because you will be working, learning, and growing from one another.

There is a lot of debating going on with gender and how at this time in the world, gender isn't becoming important. For me, this isn't the case. I believe gender is so important and that we are inherently blessed with our gender and talents. In the proclamation to the world it explains, "All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." I believe that this is how it is supposed to be. Women are more nurturing and loving and men or more protective and strong. Both male and female have divine roles based upon our gender this is how God designed it to be and it is one of the best ways to raise our families.

This past week in my family relations class we discussed social class and how our families tend to behave as part of a social class or they try to progress and move above their social class. But we also discussed how social class often tends to be passed on from generation to generation.

In few of this topic we had a discussion about how important it is to not judge people. We don’t understand their circumstances or the things that they have experienced. Some people just need help along this journey we are all trying to live.

Another important principle we learned about was the importance of knowing right and wrong. Now a days many people feel that what is right for them could be wrong for someone else, but this isn’t the way it is supposed to be. Right and wrong is black and white. There isn’t any middle ground or “maybe’s”. We need to make sure that we are always trying to listen to the spirit and recognize that we have the power to stand up for what’s right, especially when it comes to the family.

This past week in my Family Relations class we learned about relationships and the many different boundaries that can be found in relationships.

Some of these boundaries include:

 

Rigid boundaries little exchange of information or warmth

Permeable or clear boundaries an appropriate or healthy degree and quality exchange of information or warmth

Poor or diffuse boundaries. These are called unclear boundaries because they often fail to define the boundaries between individuals.  

Affiliation, or involvement between individuals or subsystems.

Overinvolvement  there is too much exchange of information or behavior.

Conflict is indidicated by lines with an obvious break

Detouring refers to the behavior of relating or responding to others via another.

 

All of these are important boundaries to understand because they can have an impact on our communication and our ability to trust and learn from each other. If we have rigid boundaries then communication faulters and conflicts aren't as easily resolved.

I think something that we should all be challenged to do is create more permeable boundaries so that it won't have a negative impact on our families. If we try to have permeable relationships with our spouses then I believe that many of the other relationships in family will become much more blanced.

In our world today there is so much confusion on the family and sometimes it can even be a scary idea to even want to bring a family into the world. But, I know that families are "central to the Creator's plan"  and that it can only benefit our crazy world. I know that the family is key in our society and that no matter how many times people talk about our resources becoming depleted that in D&C 104: 17 it says, "For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yea, I prepared all things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves." We had a complete discussion about this in my Family Relations class at BYU-Idaho, My teacher, Brother Williams explained to us that if every human being in the world owned one acre, then we would all be able to fit in Texas. There is so much space and so many resources that are here for our use it's just about how we use them and how we share them.